Getting Over A Break Up: A Two-Step Process

At some time in our lives, most of us will face the difficult task of getting over a break up. The process can be overwhelming. For the most part, none of us are adequately prepared. We find ourselves lost, scattered and depressed. We don’t know what to do. To make matters worse, we often don’t have a clue how we got there. We fall from the heights of joy, passion and connectedness to sudden pain, anger and remorse. We wander around wondering what happened. Or, we find ourselves paralyzed from the shock. Emily Dickinson, in her poem After Great Pain a Formal Feeling Comes, describes the shock and pain of loss.

After great pain a formal feeling comes--
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?
And yesterday--or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow--
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

The last two lines sum up the pain and loss of a break up. We move from miserable to numb, as if in a daze that becomes permanent and changes us forever. Emily was fascinated with loss, remained single and committed herself only to her poetry, her one, true love.

Luckily, for the rest of us, these feelings don’t have to be permanent. You might ask, “how will citing a depressing poem help me get over a break up?” The first step toward recovery is acknowledging the pain and loss you feel. It will be impossible to move forward without recognizing and honoring your feelings. Feeling the loss allows us to move beyond it. The things we don’t allow ourselves to fully feel and express stay with us.

Simply put, the second step is choice. After giving ourselves time to grieve, we can now choose where we want to go and what new feelings we want to experience. Break ups force us to evaluate our past choices and motivations. Relationships teach us a lot about who we are and who we wish to become. Our partners  are composites of positive and negative traits. Some traits we value, others we dislike. They’re constantly reminding us about what’s most important to us.

Rather than viewing a break up as a totally negative experience, we can decide to find great value and insight in the experience. Try making a list of all the positives and negatives of the experience. This can be a road map toward self discovery and fulfillment. You now hold a blueprint, your own unique recipe for happiness. Also, you might discover many things on the list that you can give yourself now--without a partner.

After getting over a break up, many people move on to achieve great happiness. They view their break up experiences as a wake-up call, a sign that their life wasn’t working. After moving through the painful parts, they make bold, new choices that eventually open up newer, more authentic ways of living.

For more information about what to expect and how to survive after a breakup, visit: After A Break Up

Some move forward in the direction of single life, new partners and experiences. For others, the answer may lie in fixing the broken, previous relationship. To learn new methods for reconnecting with your ex, visit: Getting Over A Break Up and Getting Your Ex Back

For more information: After a Break Up

Related Hubs by Breakup Advice:

After A Break Up: What To Expect & How To Survive

After A Break Up: How To Even The Score